It’s our first week of baby life, for the rest of our lives.

Our son, Mak, was born on 4/14, a little earlier than expected, but full of joy and in good health.  Both wife and I thought we had a few more weeks to get mentally ready for Baby Mak to join us on the outside, but like most plans in life, things change.   The nursery was done last month, baby clothes filled the closet, car seats installed, emergency plans talked about, and so on and so on.

With all the plans in place, nothing can prepare you for the first week of a newborn life, except for going through a first week with a newborn.  Childbirth and newborns are now certified in my Book of Everything as the most miraculous phenomenon in the universe, and beyond.  Even though Mak is only 1 week old, we can see the differences in his physical appearance and his personality from day 1 to present day, and both that are stunning and beautiful.

Most family and friends joked “get ready to never sleep,” which I thought was tongue-in-cheek, until this first week.  I love Mak to death and would jump into a burning fire, jump off a cliff, stand in front of a bullet for him if it meant saving him, so it makes having no sleep in exchange for being his dad worth every minute of insomnia.  Not to mention that the insomnia is helping my chances for landing a role on The Walking Dead.

My wife deserves a mention (actually she deserves a crown, trophy, award) for basically being a super star while not sleeping at all this first week.  She doesn’t complain one bit, and she’s getting 15 minute naps throughout the night while I’m getting 1-2 hour naps.  I help in any way I can when Mak wakes up in the middle of the night, but only she can provide him what he needs, if you know what I mean……

The 2:00 a.m. work night wake up sessions have come as a pseudo gifts.  I find myself doing most of my “I wonder what Mak is going to be like” future thoughts, which have turned out to be pretty funny and entertaining.  One of my future thoughts had me wondering what we would think if Mak moved to France and enrolled in a mime school, and I thought hey, at least we could visit France to see him.

During those future thoughts midnight sessions I’ve also thought about inventions that would make the first week of newborn life easier.  So without fear of someone stealing my highly technical, well thought out, realistic and logical product ideas, I am going to share them here, with my sales pitch:

1)  “The Silence Stick”:  Ever had a crying newborn that doesn’t have a dirty diaper, isn’t cold, isn’t hungry, isn’t tired, but is simply crying his heart out, then simply tap him with the Silence Stick and all his cries disappear, just like that!

2)  “The Wardrobe Sensor”:  Ever had a newborn you were so excited to dress up in that one special outfit you thought was so cute and fancy to only have them vomit on it and possibly shart?”  Well, just attach the Wardrobe Sensor on the clothes you intend to use and the sensor will tell you if the baby intends to vomit or shart on that outfit BEFORE you even put it on him, bam!

3) “Diaper Whodini Clapper”:  It’s 3:30 a.m., your legs wont let you leave the bed and you know the sun is coming up in a few hours.  The baby starts crying and you know he’s not hungry since you fed him about 30 minutes ago.  30 minutes ago? You know what that means, poop in da diaper time, aka the doodootrain.  You know this before you even need to check but instead of zombie walking to change his diaper you just simply “CLAP, CLAP” and the Whodini Clapper changes and cleans your baby, ka-pow!

I know, I know, why I am sharing my million dollar inventions with the world, because like many of you, being a first time dad isn’t all about the money, it’s about the love and dreams a newborns create…………………………………………….(unless you have some extra money lying around and want to donate to the Baby Mak college and/or diaper fund……they’re both about the same price!)